Depression, Anxiety & Addiction - ‘Under A Lonely Sky’

I have been battling depression, anxiety and an addictive personality for my entire life. I can proudly say that at this point I win the battle ninety eight percent of the time, but oh that two percent.

 

I can't shake this depression

No matter how I try

 

Most refer to this type of fight as battling their demons but I don’t like to think of it that way. I prefer to call it battling ghosts - poltergeists even. Calling them demons lends to the assumption that they are an entity that I have no control over and all I can do is fight to the death. They are in fact ghosts. Ghosts that take on the faces of people from my past that I still allow to have power over my present - sometimes the ghost is me. They are mostly past friends, schoolmates, pastors, lovers and my dead parents. Their ultimate goal is to control me with fear. To stop me from living a rich and satisfying life. They want me home in the dark afraid to venture out, afraid of relationships - they want me to feel hopeless and useless - crippled. There was a time that my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t leave my apartment for a week. I couldn’t be in crowds, I couldn’t function. I would allow those ghosts from my past to possess the strangers at the store or at a party or when my friends wanted to have a drink at the bar. Every small group of people who laughed, I would let the ghost tell me “they are laughing at you Ray.” When a person would look at me they would be thinking all the things about me that I heard all my life:

you aren’t good enough

you’re ugly

you’re stupid

you are worthless

 

And all the tears I cry

Would they fill your glass

 

I know that these ghosts got their power and longevity from me being abused for most of my life both mentally and physically. I got it at home from my parents and I got it when I went to school. It was around the clock with very little escape. Except for music - ah music you are my savior, thank you.

 

No such roses, see I

 

I finally decided, after the advice of a wise young Yoga Instructor and Nutritionist (Thank you Jennifer Landram) that I had to fight these ghosts by reprogramming my mind and replacing the negative with positive. At first it sounded like hocum to me but the mantras she gave me to repeat along with the practice of imagining myself writing down the negative beliefs on paper and throwing them into a fire began to work. Now I have a “corney” piece of paper taped to my bathroom mirror that basically says:

 

I love myself

I am worthy of being loved

I am amazingly healthy

I am strong

I am sexy

 

I read it several times each day.

 

We make this world our hell

As the hounds howl in the night

 

As another part of my healing I wrote a song that not only describes my thought processes when I get stuck in negative thought patterns but it offers healing in the form of the realization that these demons and ghosts are really just me reliving the past over and over and they have no real power - except for the power that I give them. For me this song also reminds me that I can forgive myself and love myself through the times when I slip back into those old, destructive thought patterns. There’s a lot more in this song than what I’ve described in this post but maybe those things are just for me - maybe they are just for the listener.

 

Loved not wisely, but too well

Not my first goodbye

 

Under A Lonely Sky © 2017 ASCAP Ray Wilson, All Rights Reserved

 

I’m beset by misery, and I

Don't exactly know why

Walking down an empty street

Under a lonely sky

 

I can't shake this depression

No matter how I try

The stars shine coldly down

Under a lonely sky

 

Is there no more happiness

Are you as lost as I

The cold wind blows my breath

Under a lonely sky

 

This path goes on forever

And all the tears I cry

Would they fill your glass

Under a lonely sky

 

No such roses, see I

No such roses, see I

No such roses, see I

No such roses, see I

 

We make this world our hell

As the hounds howl in the night

Just a ghost in a shell

Under this lonely sky

 

The hourglass was turned

Heard those church bells cry

No longer feel this soul

Under a lonely sky

 

I know Winter is coming

I’ve lost the reasons why

I can feel forever

Under a lonely sky

 

Loved not wisely, but too well

Not my first goodbye

Shake my fists and yell

Under a lonely sky

 

No such roses, see I

No such roses, see I

No such roses, see I

No such roses, see I

https://open.spotify.com/track/2qrhddOxF0YUP9QpKLbHuK